In this modern era of technological advancements, our communication abilities are pretty incredible. Satellites transmit signals around the globe. Internet has connected the entire planet. People can work on their calendars, pull up computer files, talk on the phone, and read e-mails all from the same device. It is truly amazing! But with all of our advances in communication technology, true communication in everyday relationships is a lost art. There are more divorces than ever, and broken relationships of every kind have become the norm rather than the exception. Healthy and long term relationships are becoming increasingly more rare. At the core of the many issues that strain and break down healthy relationships is the issue of communication. Whether with a parent, spouse, employer, or friend, communication is a necessary skill if the relationship is going to grow and be maintained over the long haul. Communication takes work, particularly during times of strain or conflict. If you are not practiced in the art of communication, a great starting point is found in the Word of God. James 1:19 tells us, “My dear brothers, take note of this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry….” Here are three keys from James to keep relationships healthy by communicating.

First, be quick to listen. If we are honest, we would have to admit that oftentimes, when the other person is talking, we are thinking about the next thing we want to say, rather than truly hearing what they are saying. We must remember that listening is much more that hearing. It is giving your undivided attention and focus to the person who is speaking. Listening lets the other person know that they are valued and important. We can let them know we are listening by looking at them when they talk and by engaging them with our body language. As you listen, observe their body language and learn to read between the lines. Many times, just validating what the person is sharing by listening and truly trying to understand is a giant first step in working through a problem or issue. It will keep communication open and flowing. To be sure you understand what they are saying, use “instant replay.” After they finish, repeat back to them what you feel you just heard them say (“What I hear you saying is…”). If you missed it, they’ll be able to clarify. I have seen that practical step help communication in monumental ways!

Second, be slow to speak. So often, conversations become reactive, particularly if they grow heated, and usually communication then goes out the window. Give thoughtful responses and make every word count. The phrase “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is not a true statement. Long after physical wounds have healed, many carry the pain of open and unhealed emotional wounds brought on by rash words spoken in the heat of the moment. Many wish they could take back words that were spoken too quickly and without thought, but you can’t.

Finally, be slow to become angry. Be in control of yourself. Do whatever you have to in order to stay in control – count to ten before responding or excuse yourself in order to get your thoughts together. No one can make you angry – that’s the victim mindset. Remember, you have the choice as to how you react. Controlling your reactions is your responsibility. Above all else, spend time in prayer. Pray before, during, and after the conversation. Pray for yourself and pray with the person. Prayer is powerful, and prayer is disarming.

There is so much more that could be shared about communication, but these suggestions will guide your relationships down the path toward health and vitality. God bless you as your relationships grow and prosper through healthy communication!

-Jim Wehrer, Youth Pastor